the musings of a cynical optimist

Posts tagged ‘vancouver’

Juice cleanse – the reckoning

You may wonder why I’m doing this. Will there be before and after pictures paired with annoying hashtags?  Let’s not be dramatic. It’s only 5 days. I’m doing it to remind my body that vegetables are good for it. I don’t know what I weigh but I’m positive my weight has little impact on my ability to love, be loved or get laid. 

It’s been 3 days without a steady intake of caffeine, dairy and sugar. It’s made me a little edgy. Maybe heightened my emotions a bit since eating your feelings with green juice is much less satisfying than Haagen-Dazs. (That creamy goodness just coats ones emotions like a big hug.) There’s only been a  few glitches.

  1. WATERMELON CRUSH:  Juicing is a great way to get diabetes if you juice too many super sugary fruits & veggies. I’ve stuck mostly to apples. But I thought a watermelon, cucumber blend with fresh basil from my window ledge would be fantastic. Unfortunately on the walk home from the store there was a fall. 

Watermelon Tragedy

As the watermelon fell to the ground I yelled “Tragedy!” to the sky. A lovely woman came by and picked it up noticing the huge gashes with juice pouring out. “This is a tragedy,” she said. “But don’t let this stop you from enjoying this melon. It can be salvaged.” Boosted by her encouragement I continued walking the last 6 blocks with watermelon juice dripping down my body. 

     2. I NEED BACK UP:  I know I said I’d do it all by myself but you know what is a real pain? Juicing. The actual juicing is fun but cleaning the juicer is very tedious and the smell of pulp in my compost bin was really starting to get to me. So I called in some back up support from Krokodile Pear. They are a juice bar near my house with the best juices and prices in town. I bought 5 juices for $32. Hey. People change okay?

    3. PAPER STRAWS:  are easily the most expensive part of a a juice cleanse. I bought some that worked out to $1.50 per straw. So if you are looking to avoid the embarrassing ‘juice moustache’ look, I recommend stealing plastic ones from Starbucks. Or getting fancy glass ones from etsy if you are that kind of person. 


These taste better than the ones I made

   4. CASSETTE TAPES:  I mentioned I was feeling a bit emotional. Picking fights on Facebook more than usual. Crying  when I couldn’t figure out the bus schedule. That sort of thing. While the lack of comfort food may be a factor, I’ve also been listening to my old cassette tapes. This trip down memory lane contains a lot of Ani Difranco and the Les Miserable soundtrack. Listening to that depressing story impacted my mood. My brother gave me that soundtrack when I was 12 which I think is pretty heavy stuff for grade 7. But now that I’m older, its very clear to me that Javert has some serious issues. He’s obsessed with work. Does he even date anyone? So many questions. Maybe the answers are in the book I will never read.

    5. HEADACHE + SOLID FOOD = LOVE:   Day 3 was a breeze but Day 2 was a nightmare. I had a huge caffeine headache and was also working all day. I poured peppermint oil on my face but it wasn’t enough. I needed drugs. Not wanting to take drugs on an empty stomach, I had a homemade vegan oatmeal cookie as a base. Then half a raisin cookie. Then some almonds. And a square of dark chocolate. It’s the best I could do that day and that’s all anyone can really ask for. 


Winning! At sucking.

A gorgeous full moon - and some smouldering police cars.

Ever snort white powder off a toilet at a 2 Live Crew concert? Gotten so drunk you threw up in the hot tub? Just felt so lazy, you didn’t pick up your dog’s crap?

If you haven’t done any of these, chances are good you know someone who has. Chances are very, very good. Like, 100% good.

You see, recently, there was a riot in my beloved city of Vancouver and I was really upset. I was angry and sad, and mostly very confused about who these idiots were. They are completely opposite of me. Totally immoral, spoiled, selfish, and also, not particularily good at rioting – posing for pictures as you torch a cop car? No face masks? Come on people?!

Details emerged that many of these trouble makers are indeed normal people. They have nice families, day jobs, pay taxes, enjoy bowling. So I started questioning why I was so mad at them. And I thought of that quote.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.”

Well, I also hated them because they gave the best city in the world some really bad international press and destroyed a lot of businesses for no reason but that’s neither here nor there.

The truth is, most of us do some combination of something stupid and morally questionable, virtually everyday. Sure, some things are worse then others; morality is a sliding scale. But  stupidity is a vital part of being a human and we are all, at one time or another, stupid.

We justify what we do. We rationalize it. We tell ourselves stories to make ourselves feel better. But i bet you could write a list just as long as I have of bad, dumb things people do.

This list includes but is not limited to…

-lying, cheating on people or tests, smoking things, drinking until you barf more than once, trash talking other people, eating foods that we know aren’t good for us, embracing a culture addicted to oil, plastic and other things that are poisoning our planet.

I have ridden my bike without a helmet. That’s illegal.

I locked my keys in my car while it was running. That’s stupid.

I stole a guy’s hoodie. Actually he was drunk and I asked for it and he handed it over – but still, it was like stealing candy from a baby. That’s mean and immoral. And I still have the hoodie. And I’m not giving it back.

I ate McDonalds immediately after watching Supersize Me. And I don’t even like McDonalds! That’s completely irrational.

These facts combined with my love of huge crowds, my obsession with the sound of smashing glass, and my affinity for Palm Bay, give me the profile of a rioter. Holy shit!

If CBC had a record of all the things i’ve thought, felt and done that i shouldn’t have. Man, i’d be so screwed. Admit it. You would too.

So as the public lynching continues, I will judge others by the same rules I judge myself by.

Realizing my own flaws has knocked me off my arrogant throne of moral and intellectual superiority. It’s made me more humble, less judgemental and much less angry. Which is nice because some of the anti-riot people have hearts that are painted black and they have no faith in humanity. And that scares me more than rioters.

~~ The End ~~

P.S. I believe all rioters should receive the maximum penalty applicable by law. Because that was a pretty brutal combo of immorality and stupidity, a step back in evolution, and I think as humans we can do better than that.