Juice cleanse – the reckoning
You may wonder why I’m doing this. Will there be before and after pictures paired with annoying hashtags? Let’s not be dramatic. It’s only 5 days. I’m doing it to remind my body that vegetables are good for it. I don’t know what I weigh but I’m positive my weight has little impact on my ability to love, be loved or get laid.
It’s been 3 days without a steady intake of caffeine, dairy and sugar. It’s made me a little edgy. Maybe heightened my emotions a bit since eating your feelings with green juice is much less satisfying than Haagen-Dazs. (That creamy goodness just coats ones emotions like a big hug.) There’s only been a few glitches.
- WATERMELON CRUSH: Juicing is a great way to get diabetes if you juice too many super sugary fruits & veggies. I’ve stuck mostly to apples. But I thought a watermelon, cucumber blend with fresh basil from my window ledge would be fantastic. Unfortunately on the walk home from the store there was a fall.
As the watermelon fell to the ground I yelled “Tragedy!” to the sky. A lovely woman came by and picked it up noticing the huge gashes with juice pouring out. “This is a tragedy,” she said. “But don’t let this stop you from enjoying this melon. It can be salvaged.” Boosted by her encouragement I continued walking the last 6 blocks with watermelon juice dripping down my body.
2. I NEED BACK UP: I know I said I’d do it all by myself but you know what is a real pain? Juicing. The actual juicing is fun but cleaning the juicer is very tedious and the smell of pulp in my compost bin was really starting to get to me. So I called in some back up support from Krokodile Pear. They are a juice bar near my house with the best juices and prices in town. I bought 5 juices for $32. Hey. People change okay?
3. PAPER STRAWS: are easily the most expensive part of a a juice cleanse. I bought some that worked out to $1.50 per straw. So if you are looking to avoid the embarrassing ‘juice moustache’ look, I recommend stealing plastic ones from Starbucks. Or getting fancy glass ones from etsy if you are that kind of person.
4. CASSETTE TAPES: I mentioned I was feeling a bit emotional. Picking fights on Facebook more than usual. Crying when I couldn’t figure out the bus schedule. That sort of thing. While the lack of comfort food may be a factor, I’ve also been listening to my old cassette tapes. This trip down memory lane contains a lot of Ani Difranco and the Les Miserable soundtrack. Listening to that depressing story impacted my mood. My brother gave me that soundtrack when I was 12 which I think is pretty heavy stuff for grade 7. But now that I’m older, its very clear to me that Javert has some serious issues. He’s obsessed with work. Does he even date anyone? So many questions. Maybe the answers are in the book I will never read.
5. HEADACHE + SOLID FOOD = LOVE: Day 3 was a breeze but Day 2 was a nightmare. I had a huge caffeine headache and was also working all day. I poured peppermint oil on my face but it wasn’t enough. I needed drugs. Not wanting to take drugs on an empty stomach, I had a homemade vegan oatmeal cookie as a base. Then half a raisin cookie. Then some almonds. And a square of dark chocolate. It’s the best I could do that day and that’s all anyone can really ask for.